TOP STORY: MALLORY RICHARDS BITES DUST AT SATURDAY'S CLEAN-UP, FRIENDS LAUGH,
RIDICULE
WINTERS, CA- Saturday, around mid-morning, Davis Senior High School senior and
Captain Planet Club member Mallory Richards plummeted into a remote area of Putah Creek, only to the unabaited hysteria
of her fellow club members. Reports indicate...
RIDICULOUS (continued from home page)
...that Richards
attempted to leap across a small inlet of water about five or six feet across. Evan Aguirre, a shocked onlooker reported that
"the path just ended abruptly with a steep cliff to our left and water all around us." Aguirre, a frantic member of the club
during the incident, told us "we just had to get over."
Eyewitnesses to the scene say that there was a small ledge just large enough to squarely place just one person's foot, located
about halfway from the dead-end path to where it started up again across the water. The intensity was further heightened by
a massive, crumbling boulder that "was pulled out of the cliff-side so than no one would be crushed on their
way across" said Ajit Gill. Gill and other onlookers reported that the behemoth rock was torn from
the steep face, and dropped into the deep water hard enough to "soak Adam Silva." When the scene was deemed safe by the
group, a wary Joe Garrity proceeded to take the first leap across the fateful gorge. This first jump was successful, and nearly
the entire group made it safely across without incident--that is until Mallory Richards mounted the ledge.
Unwilling and unsure, Mallory was coaxed by her fellow members to make the leap. "We would have left her behind,
but it was against the rules in the waiver we signed," 12th grader David Panek admitted. Finally, after
a few tense minutes of agonizing uncertainty, Richrards was said by Adam Silva to have "flown like an eagle," and
bound over the watery bay. Her foot barely reached the ledge, and a cheer of hope went up into the still air, but
was quickly contorted into a scream of horror as Richards body slipped and spun downwards, arms helplessly
groping the air, a panic-stricken face careening past the crowd. She broke the water at a blinding speed, rolling and
turning in a desperate spasm of effort to free herself from her watery situation. In her struggle, she was
forcefully immersed in the stagnant, cold water, breaking the surface almost completely.
A volcano
of hysterical laughter erupted from the onlookers, louder and more raucous "than my mom screams at me," said Alexandra
Chang. "The scene was almost surreal. We were laughing so hard it hurt. On Indian kid even fell in." The
scene was a frenzy of elation, a sea of Planeteers doubled over, hurling and spewing laughs from the deep chasms of their souls. Richards sat menacingly
in her Jacuzzi of hate.
Planeteer Sarah Nuendorfer hurried to rescue Richards, but herself slipped and fell in after her. Both sad, sorry people were
stuck in the water until help arrived from the onlookers.
Recent reports indicate that Richards claims to have "twisted my ankle" due to the event. Many club members believe this decree is
probably more for show than for not, but Mallory continues to "limp and hobble everywhere she goes" says Nicho Campos,
a Planeteer who observed her at school.
The moral of this story is simple: do not agree to sign any release waiver forfeiting liability, or
else you "can't sue those tree-huggers next time" Richards barked following this interview. Otherwise, "quit
your griping and enjoy the good memories," an anonymous witness mumbled.
